postscript

I just want to add an excerpt of what zelda wrote about her feelings about the Communist Party after she left in the 1980s.

This is what I feel about the Party now - I was conned and I'm angry with myself for having allowed it, and even angrier with myself for suspending my disbelief and convincing myself they were acting froom the best of motives. Who are they? They are those in leading positions who knew but didn't tll me, who were dishonest. They used me. And what hurts me most is that those who I admired and put my trust in, didn't trust me - didn't give me the chance to make up my own mind how to act. They didn't allow me the proper information for me to act upon in my work in and for the Party.
I feel ashamed that even when I had doubts and when I saw for myself what was wrong, I, too, tried to find some good reason for it at first. I, too, wanted to believe. I did try to change things, but the hardliners were too entrenched. I had for a long time tried to fight against the lack of democracy within the Morning star and within the Party, but had been too foolish and hasty in my strategy and actions, and often chose the wrong allies. I was, and still am, ashamed of myself for keeping my head in the sand for so long and for turning a blind eye to so much.
But one thing I am not ashamed of - I still believe in socialism. I still believe in collective action and eschew "bourgeois individualism". Iwant a fair and just society based on equality of opportunity. My fight is still against discrimination, racism, anti-semitism, and against censorship. I still want a world where the arts are encouraged, and where each is given the opportunity to develop their talents to the full. The only problem is that I no longer know how to get it!
I comfort myself that in the work I do with older women I am at least effecting some small changes for the better, that I am at least giving support to some people so that they can develop their talents. And certainly I am stil trying to develop my own. But sometimes, in fact more often than not, I stop for a moment and think, "Who the devil am I to think I can change the world?" A short while ago I was absolutely certain that I could.